If you have read my posts during the last months you will easily have recognized that – except of sewing – one of the most important topics in my life is to change myself and create a new me.
Those who understand German are very welcome to read my very intimate former blog where I wrote a kind of a diary of my inner journey about my struggles, challenges, changes and developments during the last few years before starting my fashion and sewing blog here.
In my mind I always had a very clear image of me, how I wanted to be, how I wanted to look and what I wanted to do – maybe this was one of my biggest challenges to stand the gap between this image and the reality…
In fact I wasn’t in the shape I wanted to be, I didn’t have the job I wanted o have, therefore I couldn’t afford the clothes I wanted to wear, due to my – let’s say under optimum shape – they wouldn’t have looked like I hoped they would and therefore my complete appearance was totally different to what I wanted it to be. I simply didn’t live the life I wanted to live…
Though I gave my very best to close the gap of a missing profession by accomplishing my studies in economics (I finished it with a grade of 1,6 which is quite good on a scale between 1 to 6)) when I was in the middle of my thirties I never had the chance to get an according job – in fact I have been rejected in uncountable cases.
Very honestly spoken, to open my shop was a try to close this gap at least externally. I thought that if leading this shop, wearing those exclusive garments and brands I sold I would come closer to my desired image – in a faster and/or easier way. But this has potentially been a case of pretending and cheating myself. There is no abbreviation in inner changes and developments.
Fake it ’til you make it – but the fake was too big and so I never made it…
Personal changes are supposed to start inside. Where else should they start instead? You cannot change the world nor other people. The only person you are able to influence is you… This is what I learned during my journey of developing and changing myself in those years after having my shop closed.
Every single change at the inside will occur changes in thinking about particular items and topics and will lead to a different behavior and finally change your life on the outside.
Let me give you an example: Like I wrote in my former blog I always did a lot of sport mostly on a high intensive level and without any excuses. I put a tremendous pressure on me every single day to stand my own aims.
One of the top reasons was to lose weight or at least to keep my shape. Ambitious me, I disciplined myself regardless of any signs of exhaustion or whatever – confronting me by so many problems of health and injuries!
Short time ago at the beginning of April of this year I had a talk with a friend being a yoga teacher. I asked her about this traditional 6 days a week yoga practice and me sometimes feeling so tired having almost no energy left to do my training, but I was afraid of skipping my 6 days routine risking to gain weight or at least to lose fitness. She was quite a bit shocked about me and recommended not to push myself that hard and rather see my training much more relaxed instead. I should treat myself with more love and forgiveness instead of pushing me on and on. But I could not imagine how this could go – my ever-present fear of gaining weight… Though I always trained that hard and controlled myself so much I was hardly able to keep the shape I was in those days.(?)
Now that I lost so much body fat, a goal I tried to achieve for so many years without reaching it though, I suddenly feel exactly the way this friend suggested.
I am relaxing! The pressure disappears!
My goal is no longer putting constant pressure on me, instead I just want to accomplish this primary series of ashtanga one day – just because I like it and for fun! My mind has fundamentally changed regarding this.
This change would not have been possible without my physical change. And my physical change would not have been possible without the awareness of a necessary change in my eating habits. And therefore a lot of different steps lead me to that particular point of starting to get in a better shape (not only losing weight but improving my body fat index instead) – once and forever!
My father’s dead was the start of this different thinking. He loved to do sports during his whole life. When he received his diagnose of bone cancer he was a captive in his own body becoming more and more immovable. At the end he couldn’t move at all – this was one of the hardest facts to see for me…
After he passed away I felt the inner need of me moving instead of or for him. I was and am still able to move and do sports and so I started to intensify my activities tremendously. A second motivation – being almost forgotten or having been given up trying to achieve – appearing in my mind was to finally change my shape at the same time.
Ideally I was a very sportive and fit girl especially in my teen age times. I did classic ballet and danced all evenings in our “big room” in our basement. I swam in a team and made rhythm sports gymnastic (I don’t know if this is the right designation).
But life didn’t go easy nor normally for me then (it would take too much time to explain now, parent’s divorce, unexpected pregnancy and much more…) And all this together lead me to the shape and constitution I was in at the beginning of 2012 when my father deceased. This is when my journey of transformation and radical change in my life began. I wanted to clear things completely and spent a lot of time and energy thinking what was going on with me. Piece by piece, I identified negative behavior patterns and changed them (sometimes incredibly hard and hurting) until I decided to totally change my shape by reducing my body fat down to 20%. Honestly I never believed to reach that goal indeed… Though dreamed of it constantly…
After increasing the amount of sport and intensifying the impact during the last 3-4 years I already reached very good results but still being miles away from my goal.
I searched for more information and I started this main process of fat losing last year in August. I was quite successful by reaching about 25% body fat by the end of 2015 though wasn’t satisfied with this constant hunger attacks I suffered from since the beginning of this year. My research for a solution lead me to this particular hcg diet and gave me the power to do it, now enjoying its benefits.
Why am I telling you all this?
I f you only judge the good result someone else has achieved you might ignore all the struggles, challenges and problems this person was confronted with during his or her progress. This might frustrate yourself as you might judge things to be solved much easier for others than they are for you… By only regarding the result on the outside you might ignore the long process and the hard change in thinking this other person went through.
The result can be seen on the outside but the process started inside – long time before.
It is not so easy to describe my inner development regarding some other issues. Many steps were needed to reach new levels here. Some steps were so small you almost didn’t recognize what has changed though the feeling was different in fact.
With regard to my imagination of a perfect me, actually I am very close to it indeed. Only very few things are supposed to be achieved one day and this makes me very happy and already very satisfied. The knowledge of me being able to have reached all those goals – some of them being close to impossible – in the most recent past makes me so optimistic in accomplishing the rest in the future as well. I simply need to stay focused without putting pressure on me only.
I guess more crucial than to find and specify goals is to find the right goals. Goals that are very genuine and are coming from a very deep part inside yourself. Otherwise you may lose them or they might lose their attractiveness. I call them migrating goals impossible to reach them ever…
To start a developing process and create changes it is also very important to clearly identify where you currently are. What is your current position? Where is your real start? To answer these questions might be very hard and potentially hurting but unavoidable. How can you know how big the gap between your status quo and your desired finish is without this check? You wouldn’t be able to take the right tools and decide for the right direction.
Believe me, I know exactly of what I am talking about… The truth can be very hard and brutal at that point! (Honestly I avoided to check my weight before I started to go on my long-term diet last year in August. I first had the heart to step on my balance after having passed twelve days of diet…- I am just human…)
I could give you much more examples of my personal life but I am sure you already understood what I mean.
My final conclusion is if you intend to change something in your life, the journey starts inside of you. Be brutally honest to yourself and analyze where you are and where you want to be in the future, be very precise so that you can easily check your goal when it will be achieved.
Stay focused and don’t give up before you have reached it. I believe in you!